The only struggle was it usually just really worsened the situation as I aggravated others around me. So when I started working on my self awareness I eventually started to see a trend. That it usually happened just before something new happened in my life. The time when pressure was mounting, more had to be done, more was required and suddenly my best was no longer good enough and things were spiraling out of control. And try as I could, the mess just seemed to get worse. My confidence withered away. All the affirmations and results that just days ago or weeks ago affirmed that I had this seem to just melt away and evaporate. And in their place, my doubts spoke louder. And my saboteurs came out to play and told me that I was going to mess it up. Until one day one of my friends said to me ' Taffy if you want to continually grow and keep exceeding your current best you better learn to deal with that uncertainty better because you will experience it over and over and over again''
And when he said that it totally made sense to me. I understood then that I would continually have to go back to amateur levels and deals with the nerves of wondering if I was going to get the hang of it and be okay. And that acceptance helped me make some changes. it also made me realise how lucky I am - to have a husband and best who will patiently observe me until I am ready to talk then talk some sense into me and remind me that though I a scared, I still had to start somewhere and this was the somewhere to dive in. I became more grateful that I HAD accountability buddies who would not have me send in an excuse and told me that I was going to have to eat my frog , who told me I was learning and get a great opportunity to learn on the job and who offered to check my work before I sent it in. I am grateful for those people because without them I may have sent polite excuses and wiggled my way out of the growth and opportunities that the next level brings.
So these days I handle the uncertainty with much more grace through the day then when everyone els goes to sleep, i make me a cup of tea, grab my notepad and my journal and just sit here and listen to my mind. Not at all trying to explain it or control it organize it but just observing how my mindset is shifting as I embrace that I am a beautiful life on a journey of growth and the bar just got higher but I sit in the moment and just let it sink in - I got this.I hope when your messy days come you will have good people on your team and electricity to warm some water for a cup of tea or whatever goes well with you when your season of uncertainty comes. But whatever you do, do not quit. Do not believe your self doubt- you got this child. You are a work in progress and you got this.
As for me ... let me enjoy this cup of tea with all this uncertainty........soon it shall pass and I will catch you from the next chapter of this journey .